Things I never thought I’d say as a mom

I catch myself on a daily basis saying things that I never, in my pre-kid life, imagined I would say. I am a walking cliche of an overtired, overwhelmed (and also overjoyed) mama who now finds her self saying things to my kids like…

If you want dessert you need to finish your {insert equally unhealthy dinner food like pizza/mac and cheese/chicken nuggets}.

Do you want to watch your show on Netflix or Hulu?

Honey please stop licking the dog.

I don’t know the answer to that, please ask Google.

I will give you $5 if you sleep past 6:30am this weekend.

Yes you can eat that week old goldfish you found in your car seat… but please wash your hands first.

You better stop screaming back there or a police man might pull us over and arrest us.

How did you manage to get spaghetti sauce in your butt?

But it’s not just my kids. I now say crazy things to my husband…

Shit, it’s 6:45am and the kids are still sleeping. Do you think they’re alive?

Date night! Hey babe, let’s go to Costco without the children!

I love you. Now can we please sit on opposite sides of the couch and look at our phones in silence?

For my birthday this year, can I get a coupon for one week free of making lunches?

God, we’d be rich if we didn’t have kids.

And last but certainly not least, are the ridiculous things I now say to my girlfriends…

Okay…how often are you really having sex these days?

When is an appropriate time to start drinking wine on a week day?

Can we start planning our girls getaway, scheduled for Winter 2020?

Wanna see if we can get “buy one get one” boob jobs?

This stage of parenting can really suck… I’m so glad I’m not alone in my occasional misery.

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